And when thinking about the exam tomorrow, I finally see the apathy. Trying and not succeeding, when it is repeated constantly, soon leads to the way of thinking: “Well, why I should I try anymore?” There is no sense of gratification, no strengthening of character, you feel useless to improve.

It makes me angry to think that, at University level, in a subject that demands so much from everyone, the teaching, organisation and resources are so pathetically poor. The Languages Department is in want of much. Particularly when it’s feedback merely dissuades students from trying and leads them into a downward spiral of disarray and a lack of enthusiasm.

I was never one to give up, not with my studies at least.

And I won’t. Not yet, at any rate. Not if even I have to refrain from ever sleeping again.

I want to improve, just so I get a sense of satisfaction of showing my tutor that I can do it. When I was younger, not that many teachers paid me any notice – there were one or two, but the rest just saw me as part of a crowd. It’s been like that for a long time. I refuse to let it continue.

The constant desire to prove myself of something grows ever stronger. Because I will not be a face in a sea of faceless others. I want to be going places.

Moving Fast.

For many, calling up someone isn’t a great challenge – in fact, this is the case for the majority, I have no doubt. I, however, always turned into that meek little thing in the corner; the idea of having to call up someone I don’t know always makes me feel sick. I panic. I would do anything but ring a stranger. True story. … So when I manage to do it, of my own accord completely without encouragement and riding on a sense of adult-esque determination, it feels oddly liberating. To everyone else, it’s no big deal; but I, who know myself better than the rest, feel proud. Because it’s a step in the right direction. And it counts for something. Even if it’s only small.

With one final week before we begin again, I’m ready to take the challenges. The year may have started a month ago but it truly begins when life returns to normal. The exams are testing everything done last year – how can you prepare and organise for upcoming events when you’re stuck running through things long since passed?

It’s frustrating. I’m ready to start now, ready for intense sessions at the gym, ready to mould myself into something worth being proud of. I need to direct my passions and determination into becoming whatever it is I feel I’m not.

Even if I don’t know what it is yet.

There’s this underlying feeling. And it’s remaining persistent, growing that little bit more each time. I could try to explain properly, but the problem is I can’t. Because there’s no time for words now, I feel like – more so than ever – like this could be the year I start to make something for myself. It’s the definitive year, maybe when everything changes – or maybe when just some things change.

It sounds stupid. Cliché. Dramatic.

But I don’t care, because I can feel it.

There are things approaching, inescapable things, that will make a lot of us. And we will all rapidly discover that we’re not children any more, and that around every corner is something new. Choose a path and stick to it.

This is Life. 

Yes – blood runs thicker than water. But the apple fell far from the tree. There: orders, rules, guidance – you are who you’re told to be. Here: be whoever. Limitless. Freedom. Endless. Made for this.

The wind carries the seed, it lands, starts afresh in new ground. Bloom.

But the roots remain, will always remain. They remind.

You Could Not Be Who You Are,

If They Hadn’t Made You Who You Were.

Bad dreams about bad things – I am too stressed. There’s too much! Too much, too little. I can’t fit it all into one. A few days left and I can’t believe how the time has passed – it’s all gone, way too quickly, into nothing. There’s no time. There’s never any time. I missed friends, opportunities. Didn’t make the most.

And here we start again. Life indifferent. Always indifferent.

The Clock Turns Back

Everything you were ever told. Question. Hear nothing.

All lies. But one.

I Never Loved In Vain

but did I love at all?

I suppose everyone does.

I don’t do everything right. I don’t do enough to make things right. And it raises the question, in my mind, that sort of hangs around and intensifies the feelings I already have. It isn’t just sometimes, it’s too much of the time.

Because I have to wonder…

Just Sometimes.

]]> http://katiecharlotte.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/concern/feed/ 0 katiecharlotte http://katiecharlotte.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/words/ http://katiecharlotte.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/words/#comments Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:33:50 +0000 katiecharlotte http://katiecharlotte.wordpress.com/?p=1171 ]]> I have hit an indifferent brick wall. Restless, restless, restless.

The mind is running away with itself, so many ideas, so many dreams and aspirations.

But no wish seems fulfilled. Too much work, too little time.

I want to be fixed! Where are my ten pieces of gold??

Feelin’ some angst.

My stomach’s just turned, I can sort of feel it sitting uncomfortably, like I know it’s there. It’s a horrible feeling, kind of like you want to be sick – but it’s almost gone. The sensation never lingers, not for long.

It’s a feeling I’ve felt before. But when?

Oh yes, I remember.

How ironic.

Perhaps yesterdays blog was simply a precursor to an entirely new event, one so very different… and one so very the same. Almost too much the same.

This is becoming a painfully frequent occurrence. But it certainly proves my point; how little I’ve developed, how similar I am to everything back then. Has anything changed?

Do people make a conscientious decision to do bad things? Do people make a conscientious decision to hurt others? Do people make a conscientious decision to stop loving someone? I don’t think I did – but sometimes I’m not entirely sure.

I’d ask “why?” but I already know the answer… “it’s the only option.”

déja vu.

Seen this all before. Felt this all before. Done this all before.

There’s no bad feelings, it’s the right thing to do and kudos to him for making the move. If he so chooses to erase everything, then it’s only justified – after all, after the things I did, who wouldn’t? I can recall doing the same thing exactly a year ago. Did it work then? Maybe. I can’t be sure.

Too disjointed, too confused.

Everyone learns. And from this I have learned to accept. To accept that some things from a wreckage cannot be salvaged. So I block profiles, and I delete messages and I erase photographs, and I wipe phone numbers. Because if this is the right thing for him, I will ensure that I maintain my silent word. There will be nothing left.

This time I’m not doing it out of anger. I’m doing it with regret. But I’ll accept that it’s for the best.

Lesson learned.

And one day it means that a time will come along a lot like a time that came before…

And I Will Do Things Right.

It’s a complete coincidence that I found it today. I wasn’t looking, I just found it – mostly thanks to Gmails new “circles” folder that I just so happened to click out of curiosity. “Curiosity killed the cat” is a phrase that would imply that curiosity in all its forms and guises is a bad thing – except today, it played a positive part in my new ‘self-learning process’. How ironic that all I’ve focused on in this blog as of yet (granted this is only post three) is the determination to improve. I think today’s discovery was further encouragement for me to do so, and was also yet another determining factor playing a crucial role in showing me how far I’ve come from that point… and perhaps how I’m still exactly the same.

 The Only Option.

Back then, perhaps it really was the only option. But the whole thing seems so disjointed and confused now that I can only look at the words typed on the screen and wonder what really went so wrong that we mutually agreed on this ultimatum.

It was a long time ago.

And I read what I put and I cringe. I remember the things that happened as a precursor to these messages and as a result of these messages and I’m ashamed.

It was a series of trigger events, each set in motion by an innocent thing. So innocent. But it played out like a line of dominoes toppling over, one small slip and everything’s gone. All there’s left to do is pick up the pieces.

But we were young then, at the time you think you’re being responsible and grown up and mature – but then you look back with raised eyebrows and you think… what the actual fuck? I think that’s seriously the only way to describe how I look at these things now. I want to go back and slap myself around the back of the head – no doubt in another two or three years time I’ll want to do the same to the present day me… but no matter. That time will come.

I think – or rather I hope – that the sentiments explored in these messages dated 365 days ago today, no longer exist. That the slate has indeed been wiped clean. But I don’t know, there’s never that much conversation between us. There is no more animosity, but there is very little else. And I find that, for some odd reason, this bothers me – sort of niggles my thoughts in the back of my mind. Because as much as living new lives is a positive thing… I begin to see how much I learnt from all those years, how much I thought I learnt at the time, and what I’ve actually learnt.

I learnt a lot more about myself than others.

I made a mistake at the very beginning, perhaps there was something fundamentally wrong with me from the very start that stopped me accepting any of the positives… and when things turned bad, like a coward, I ran.

…and then I see, just how similar this whole situation is to another.

…and then I see, just how little I’ve changed.

I fear sharing myself with people, lots of people. I prefer to write things down because a piece of paper or a blog can’t judge you. You don’t need to explain yourself to them. They just absorb what you write and that’s that.

Lots of times I’ve been asked “why?” And almost all the time my answer of “there is no reason why” has never been fully accepted.

But it is… or it was… the only answer I have ever had.

Do people always make a conscientiousness decision to do a bad thing? Or is it more complicated than that? I cannot explain myself because I did not and do not understand, even now, what went on. Because I was young and stupid. Because I made a mistake.

People make mistakes.

In a rage I erased everything I could find. With regret, I realise now that I almost succeeded. But some things, some remain – and I look at them and remember. This isn’t a wish to reset the world, to rewrite things done and errors made. I acted like I took nothing positive from the whole affair – but I did.

One year down the line, I cannot regret a single thing, because there were the good things as well as the bad. Every single thing that happens to a person has some kind of effect on them, be it big or small, positive or negative; everyone learns. And every stumble and fall eventually leads you to the place you’re supposed to be. I won’t compare myself to the girl who wrote those emails a year ago because I don’t want to be her. Just like I won’t compare myself to the girl three years ago or three months ago… because I don’t want to be her.

The only option is always to move on and to begin again and live life gaining experience and learning. Because all of those events, every experience that turned out rotten back then – they take you somewhere in the end. And one day it means that a time will come along a lot like a time that came before, but this time… this time you’ll know what to do. And you’ll do it right.

I can’t go back and undo every single wrong I did, I said. So I’ve got to look forward and make sure that when the time comes back around, I’ll be doing and saying the right thing.

Hope Springs Eternal.